Difficult relationships

I grew up seeing people close to me bidding good byes at the most inappropriate times.. I was so unfortunate that I couldn't see my paternal grandparents as both of them died much before dad got married. And the first death that I could remember is that of my maternal grandfather when I was three years old. I remember sitting in his lap when he was talking to his friends and guess that night he died. Amma was pregnant then.. Later so many others bid good bye including my little bro, cousins , uncles, aunts etc. At one point there was a death every year and it went on for 9 continous years. We met for the the first anniversary rituals and soon after used to get the news that someone or other got a heart attack or a stroke. It was like you get up in the morning with a thought "Who Next?" if you got what I mean..It was so scary and we used to wonder what doom has befallen us.. And then sometimes close friends moved out coz of education or transfer or some such thing.. Most of these people were very close to me and I even used to fear that it's because of me that such things happened to them - I felt like I'm bringing in some ill luck to whoever is close to me. Even now when I'm close to someone I've a fear at the back of my mind that I'll loose them sooner or later..

But these set backs also made me value relationships more and used to guard it so fiercely..I used to write long letters to my cousins staying out of town( even though most times it used to be a one way communication).. They used to tease me that I'm totally jobless and hence I write.. I always took the initiatives to keep in touch with old friends and also made sure I visit my relatives whenever I go to hometown. Many of my friends have told me that I'm the only person who still wishes them on their b'days or other occations. When I am in Thrissur I used to call up all the numbers in my phonebook and amma used to complain that phone bill shoots up whenever I come home. Now when a schoolmate finds me in orkut they ask me if I have any contact with my close friends in school. They are astonished when I tell them that we are very much in touch even after 14 long years.. Many a times I've taken pains to mend a broken relationships coz I felt any relation is too precious to loose.. Of course there are some rare cases where I have failed or felt it's not worth mending.. I even advice my friends to cling to a relationship even if they feel it's time to quit.. But today I just quit..

Yes I lost one more person though thankfully not to death..In fact it's more like death with a difference that what's dead is a relationship here.. And guess what it's exactly 3 months since I lost mom and six months since I lost my aunt who was my pseudo mom.. I'm scared of 3 month milestones now!! It's not that I am miserable or something, but just wondering.. What's the purpose of a relationship? What happens when you end a relationship so abruptly? How do you remove all the childhood memories that you have of that person? People say blood is thicker than water. But if you have to end such a relation then what's the relevance of other relations? And worse I'm getting my fear back.. Is it MY ill luck? I'm really scared to be with people now.. What if they also leave me one day?

I then read one of Preeti's older article and now I know. I don't know how she always reads my mind! So What are you? A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime?

Guess What?

Can you guess what this is? Let me know who gets it right first ;)

Btw I'm back to flickr again. I was missing that space and the great photos n photographers there. So decided to go back. But no I won't abandon my poor photoblog. So have decided to use flickr as the hosting site for the blog.

And I'm now in Chennai and will be around till end of this month. So any suggestions about places to visit, things to do , etc., etc welcome :)

Hands on Pottery

Yesterday I had a real good time in the South Indian Carnival @ southindies. And yeh I was there for a photo shoot :P Now don't ask me if I'm planning to change my profession. Not yet ;) The funny thing is when I showed my hand to the palmist, he mistook me as a professional photographer and was telling that my career line is very strong and so is the creative mount. So according to him the profession that I have chosen(photography) is very much apt for me. I was trying hard to suppress my laughter and didn't bother to correct him either :D

Anyway there were other fun things in the carnival and the one that caught my attention was the potter's wheel. I live very near to Pottery Town and have gone there a couple of times. I have always marveled at the way they transform a lump of mud to a beautiful art piece. Although I had enquired there about the classes they were not so keen to teach it to an outsider :( So you can imagine my excitement when I could really try my hands out at the wheel for the first time. But it wasn't as easy as it looked and the instructor was constantly reminding me that it needs lots of practice and I can't expect to master it in the first try. Anyway I am happy to have come out with something although with lot of imperfections. This is the final output.





Now that I'm at it I'll post some of my older works too. Of course the pots were made by the experts in pottery town. Only the designs on top of it is done by me.


The sunflower petals and leaves were made using ceramic powder and pasted to the pot using fevicol and later painted using acrylic colors.


If you are the lazy types like me, then this grape pot will work for you. Just roughen the surface of the pot using some white cement and then make the grape bunches by just rolling the ceramic paste to small balls. The tendrils n leaves can also be made easily. Then paste it using fevicol n paint. Your grape pot is ready :)

If you are even more lazier, but still would want to make something handmade, then walk around in pottery town, pick some pretty looking pots and just paint. Here are some samples.


I made this to give as a b'day gift to my neighbor aunty(who feeds me whenever I'm too lazy to cook), but felt it didn't come out well. So gave her something else and kept this with me.


This peacock pot was pretty but was looking very dull when I picked it up. So gave it a metallic shade of colors.


This wheel takes more time as the work is bit intricate but works very well if your mission is to take off your mind from some nagging thoughts :) The base is plywood and work is done using ceramic and then coated with metallic paint. Most people think it's real metal and ask me where I got it :P

For me, any type of arts and crafts is a craze not to mention that it's therapeutic. I like to experiment and try out new things except that I never stick to one thing. So please tell me your ideas and hobbies so that I can explore them.. Please please :)

Yippee!

Today I did an photography assignment n guess what? I got paid !! In the past, I have been contacted to market some of the snaps in flickr but it didn't work out coz of the low resolution pictures(I had a PoS cam then). Same way some people have asked me to market some of the craft works that I have done and once one of my painting(rather my only painting) was put for sale by my painting instructor, but I managed to buy it myself(n the irony is I had to pay him for that and my painting classes ended there). So this is my very first earning from a hobby. Thank God I have an alternate career path n it sure comes in handy in these times of recession :P And for today's event we had playback singer Neha Bhasin and Zee Kannada’s “Sa Ri Ga Ma Pa” winner Chinmay. So got an awesome musical evening as bonus too :)

Life changes in seconds

Today it's exactly one month since I got the phone call in the middle of the night asking me to come home asap as amma is not well. At that time little did I expect that my life is never going to be the same again. I couldn't believe it when they told me finally the next day or even when I actually saw her lifeless body. But now that my life is thrown out of sync, I'm slowly realising what has happened and what's the impact of it on me.. Two days before death she wrote in her diary that the whole night she was having a dream that I got lost in a thick forest and is struggling to find my way. And I realise how true her dream has become..

So far I was oblivious of my surroundings and was leading a blissful life.. But now I seem to be in charge of everything.. Suddenly I became responsible for things I have never done or heard of before - handling property documents, sorting out bank accounts, checking the investments they have done, trying to locate the bank locker(I didn't even know how the locker key looked like!), making bill payments, pension issues, insurance, electicity, water, gas, ration card or even simple things like deciding the wage of the maid servant or the driver.. I was someone who never cared about finances and mom or dad used to take care of everything. Even my tax excemption investments they only used to make and my contribution ended in giving them a cheque once in a while and then collect the bills when it was time for proof submission. But now when I sit in front of all these documents knowing nothing about it, I just wish I could make one last phone call to mom and ask her what it's all about..

On the other hand there are many things going out of my hand and I stand there helpless.. For some matters, there seem to be too many people deciding for me and they don't even bother to ask me what I want. There are too many people managing or giving directions for my day to day activities.. And they doesn't seem to realise that I also have a mind of my own.. Then there are others who urge me to sell my house and ancestreral property as I won't need it at all!! If I ask does that mean I should never ever come back to my home town - the place where I grew up , the place where all the memories are still fresh, the place where my ancestors are resting, the place where I can bond - there is an easy solution. You can buy a flat which is much safer! Then there is presure to give the house for rent coz there is a prospective tenant who needs a place urgently. Was he waiting for mom's death? Then there are the 'kudiyanmars' who lives in my ancestral property and they urgently need some more land to build a 'sarppakaavu' since they have lot of problems due to the lack of it and I need to give them an answer in two days. And I didn't ask why they didn't face any problem all these years when my parents and grandparents were alive..

And the next hot topic is my marriage. Everyone wants me to get married asap. I even got a complete biodata of a prospective groom on the 10th day ceremony for which I had to give a decision almost immediately and the person made it clear that he won't accept a 'No' from me. It seems some people have given character certificate about me and there are some families intereted in absorbing me to theirs. I never knew I was such a hot commodity in the marriage market!! I know many of them might be doing this coz they are too eager to help.. But I donno how someone can think of such things when the mind is totally devastated..

And I guess it's these troubled times that you really come to know how people behave in different situations.. Mom always used to scold me saying I believe people blindly and will end up in trouble. And I used to fight with her saying all people are basically good and if someone behaves otherwise there will be a definite reason for that. I used to believe that I have the knack to deal with them..In fact I have a history of earning the trust of the so called 'goonda's and 'bad people' and many a times I have managed to change them at least to some extent. It's not that my beief has changed, but I am just surprised at the insensitivity of people and of people taking advantage of the situation..I feel like how can they do things like this at this time?

There was a time when I wanted someone so badly, but there was none.. Even people close to me were avoiding me like plague coz they said they don't know what to talk to me.. Sometimes someone will call me and after the usual hello, there was silence.. And I had to take the pain of striking a conversation..But I also came to know the good side of many people.. There were people reaching out to me from far and wide, people whom I have never met, people whom I have never talked,.. Many called me, many mailed me, many are constantly supporting me via chat every day, many took pains to come and meet me, there were people who even flew down to be there when I needed them.. And yes it's a sooting feeling to know there are so many people to support me..

Emotionally also I am going through a tough pace.. My landlord was telling my friend that I have become moody and irritable.. I am staying here for 9 years and think this is the first time he is seeing this side of me.. He was telling me that he is not even able to look at my face as he can't find any trace of the old smiling and cheerful face.. I know it's true.. I'm getting irritated at the smallest possible things.. I was known for my patience and I have no idea where it has vanished when I need it the most.. I'm breaking down at the smallest comments that people make.. Even day to day things I'm finding it hard.. My house is a big mess with things scattered all around - some my things, some mom's things, some stuff that I had to take with me when I locked the house and I'm not able to do anything with it.. I just stare at it thinking that will help!! I was supposedly a good cook but now a days whatever I make is either burnt or is half cooked.. This is what a dear friend wrote to me when I told her that I'm yet to come in terms with the reality..

"it will take at least 6 months ... before it sinks in... you will cry at the least thing .. you will see a reminder in everything around you .. you will talk to her and rave and rant .. you will ask her why she left so soon ... you will always wonder why you were not there .... and, then she will speak to you and place her hand on your heart and soothe the pain away .. she will tell you everything will be alright ... this will take at least 6 months .. loss causes the greatest grief .. the deepest sorrow .. nothing compares and the healing takes a long time. It took me almost 1 year or more .... so dont wonder ... you just allow the pain to hit you ... cry as loud as you need to ... dont pretend that it doesnot hurt ... with every ventilation .. there will be a small release ... please dont be strong as people will ask you to ... you need to endure your weakness to find your strength.. read your blog ... it does not talk about the nothingness you are experiencing .. this nothingness is a sublimation of the cutting pain in your heart ... you need to talk about that to someone ..."

Even my other friends say that I need to talk about it and they are all ears.. But even that I'm unable to do..I know I will never be able to talk to someone about my emotions.. It's not because they are not close enough, but it's my limitation.. And that's the reason why I decided to write whatever I'm feeling.. I really hope it helps and I can return to normal soon..And hopefully this will be my last random rant post..I really hope so..

Orphaned...

Amma also gone...

Just 1.5 years after acchan and exactly 3 months after her sister.. She might have thought it's better to be with her husband and sister and all other dear and near ones than her cursed daughter..

So now no more phone calls fretting about small things..no more worries, no more concerns.. My phone will never again receive a call from 'Home'.. I didn't call home when I reached here today and I realised never again will I make another phone call to home informing I reached safely..

Now there is no place called 'home' to go back.. Although everyone is inviting me to stay with them when I come to hometown next, there will never be another place like 'home', a place to just be yourself.. a place to just eat and sleep without doing any work.. Just a locked house and memories and painful silence is all that remains..

When I came home for Onam I never dreamt that it's going to be my last home visit or that's the last festival I'm celebrating with my family..I remember the Onasadya and all my favourite dishes mom had made.. Now no one will ever cook any of those dishes for me..For that matter, no one will ever know what my favourite dishes are.. Last time when I left home to catch the train without eating the food amma had made,little did I realise that I had just missed the last chance to have "mom's cooking".. I look at the salwar material that she gave me this Onam and realise that there will never be another 'onakkodi'..I am wearing the salwar she had pressed and kept, knowing very well that this is the last time I'm enjoying that privilege and no one will ever do it for me again..

Some people tell me that I used to be their subject of envy before - single child, undivided attention - but they say now they realise the absurdity of it. No one to care, no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to give advice, no one to fight with, no one to ask for an opinion, no one to bother even if I die in the middle of the road.. How can someone be considered lucky in such a situation?

I know GOD gives hardships to the ones very dear to them, but I never knew I'm so much dear to HIM. I used to pray every day, but have never asked for any favours so far.. but now I am praying for one boon - Please give me the courage to survive in this big bad world..

Kickstart

Many of you asked whether I went for the VoF trip finally.. Yeh I did :) But yet to recover from the hangover I guess. After I came back it took me more than a week even to touch my cam and copy the snaps to computer. Then everyone was asking to share the photos n I was just too lazy to upload it in some online albums. Now since I have accomplished that task too, I thought of jotting down the experience before it fades away from my memory.. So here it goes..:)

The trip was scheduled from 1st-10th Aug. When we booked the tickets to Delhi we didn't know the reporting time on 1st. So to be safe we took the evening flight on 31st. Later when we came to know that the train to Haridwar was on 1st evening we decided to roam around in Delhi on 1st. This 'we' is me another of my colleague "A" and 2 sisters "P" and "M" whom we met for the first time in the Bangalore airport. We landed in Delhi at around 10 PM and had airport pickup arranged by the hotel. Our first hurdle came up then. Me and A had dinner in flight but "the sisters" (as the team referred them during the trip) hadn't had their food. So we had to ask the taxi driver to stop in some place for dinner. My Hindi is very much like the famous ‘Mein Bheem Singh ka beta Ram Singh Hoom…Hai…Hoom’ style and same was the case with A. So we hoped that 'the sisters' will be better in Hindi as they are from Bangalore. But to our dismay we learned that all 4 of us are in the same state and probably mine was better compared to the rest!! When we were scratching our head wondering how to convey the point to the driver, A mentioned that for all we know the driver might be knowing English and he might be laughing to himself and thinking let's see how far these girls will go. Unfortunately that's exactly what happened. After we gave him enough entertainment value with our discussions, he started speaking to us in English! Anyway that was a big relief and we stopped in a place to pack dinner and reached the hotel around 11.30 PM.We were too keen to get into the rooms asap coz of the Delhi heat that was boiling us even at that time of the night. But the manager was behaving cranky and was refusing us to check in saying we don't have valid ID cards. According to him PAN card is not a valid ID and was asking me to produce passport or DL. Why should I carry the passport while traveling within India especially after an earlier experience of loosing it once(that's another story altogether) or a DL when I'm going to the mountains where there is no chance of me driving a vehicle? I was feeling helpless(and angry too) and more than that it was tough to communicate with him with our bad Hindi. I was trying to tell him that if they were particular about specific ID cards they should have mentioned it when we booked the rooms and not tell us after we have reached the place!! And his argument was that it was not him who confirmed our booking via internet. WOW what a logic to tell 4 girls in an unknown place in the middle of the night! Finally he somehow agreed and we soon retired to our rooms waiting for all the excitement to begin..

To be continued...

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Homecoming!!

Yes that's what I am feeling when I come back to this space. Thanks a lot for your concerns and queries. I am very much fine :) I guess this is the longest I have stayed away from my blog. There were so many things happening in my life - some personal losses , some unfortunate incidents - all of them drained my energy and kind of kept me in my cocoon. But then I felt I need to fight back and come back to normal life.. So here I am ready to bounce back :)

And the news update from my end is that I'm finally going to one of my dream destinations in India - Valley of Flowers. As such flowers are my weakness and I try to shoot each n every one that comes my way. Then how can I resist a valley full of flowers? From the time I read about this place years ago, I dreamt of going there. Four years back when we booked tickets to Delhi and was contemplating on where to go, my first choice was VoF. But everyone else vetoed it and we ended up in Leh. Not that I am complaining, but it was one chance lost. Even after that whenever I brought out the VoF topic, my friends were like 'If you want to see flowers we'll go to Lal Bagh. ' All of them felt the 54 kms trek just to see some wild flowers is not worth it. So I didn't have any hopes when I brought the topic this time also. And as expected it was zero response from my usual gang. So I decided to venture out alone and went ahead and registered with the group that organizes this trek regularly. Luckily two more friends have also joined now. Anyway now the flights, hotels and all are booked and I am one more step closer to my dream :)